to all;

i've sat here a countless number of times, wishing i could continue on with my blog and keep writing, but i never had a clue as to what i wanted to say. well, here i am, and i had a thought.

it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. do what you want to do, and don't succumb to others. was that even the right word? who care. be free.

pictures of you;

as i was trying to reorganize my room because of my new lack of furniture, i came across the letters you wrote me. i ripped most of them up as a result of anger and despair over a year ago, but i found the secret stash i kept. there was only one reason i kept the select few i did: so that i could come across them at a later point in time and read them and feel the love you felt towards me, that i didn't feel in return.


exactly that happened.


i cried for a short amount of time, and afterwards sat there, feeling like there would be no end to the tribulation that was rushing through my body. lucky for me, it did. it was the same feeling i always get after reading the letters. i felt free: free of the hardships i faced while being with you, free of the pain i was caused, free of the world.

my life goal;

i want to study music. the only thing i've ever been able to stick with in life is music: both playing and listening. i don't care if people criticize me and tell me it's a dying business; it's what i want. everyday, the only thing that comes to mind when i hear the word aspirations is music. i want to keep playing my flute. i want to teach others how to make beautiful music. i want people to see that my dreams are real and that i won't give up for anything. <3

no need to worry;

nothing's wrong.
nothing will ever be wrong.
why would it be?
i'm always in a perfectly good mood, a perfectly good state of being.


so there's no need to worry.

time will destroy us;

blood covers my hands, but i'm not sure that i'm ready to wash off the evidence that i am able to hurt..that i hurt now.

you watch me bleed;

what's happening to me...?
i'm falling harder than i've ever fallen before.

i take it well;

it never hurts to comment on my posts and tell me what you think about them. 
what i could improve, how to help the situations i'm being forced to be in the middle of.
criticism doesn't hurt in the end.
it's all for the better.

tomorrow she won't remember what she did yesterday;

you walked up to me and asked what's wrong..
i proceded to say i was okay, and you didn't question it.
i mean, why should you? why shouldn't you believe what i said?

why don't you ever want to talk about personal things? why don't you want to know things nobody else knows? why do you change the subject every time i want to talk about serious things? why?

maybe the answer to all of these questions is the same. regardless, i'll never know.

hear me out now;

are you still there?
do you still sit there and read my every thought?


if so,
i have a question i'd like to ask:

what do you want from me?

let's start this over;

change:
what has taken over.
what has made me rethink things.
what has shown me a different view on things.
what has made me..me.


i can't say what i want to.
not with the way i'm being watched.
not with the people that can spread things around faster than you can count to one.
not with how things are going.


so thus i say,
let's start this over.
let's begin something new.
let's be us.


<3

i come back, and now i'm haunted;

i came back, hoping for closure.
hoping that my mind could come to a peaceful rest.
hoping that i could continue to be content without you.

all i got was a rush of memories.

what did i do to deserve this?

my heart's desire;

i want nothing more that to have someone that calls me his own,
that wants nothing more than to take a walk,
that doesn't feel the need to ask for things i don't want to give,
that likes being subtle and cute,
that is merely a boy that wants to make his girl happy.

the only problem is:
what i want and what i get are two completely different things.

i cry out;

every inch of my body,
piece of my soul,
screams out, calling.
i don't want to lose what we have,
i don't want to give up.

but what other choice have you left me?

none.
none at all.

no matter how hard i try;

i can't get you off my mind.

i hate it, so much.

i can't wait to see you,
can't wait to hug you,
can't wait to feel the warmth of your body.

</3

take me to that place lord;

take me to that place lord,
to that secret place where i can be with you,
you can make me like you,
take me to that place lord.

listen to your heart, when he's calling for you;

which is exactly what i did.

like i told a friend earlier today,

i feel like god wouldn't have let me move if there wasn't a reason. i'm just still trying to find that certain reason.

and like he replied,

it may turn out to be just to lead one person to him. but if that's the case. it would be worth it in the end to know you helped save at least one person.

i hope you know how much it meant to me that you talked to me about that.
you understand.
you went through the same thing.

and whether you know it or not,
as my brother in god,
as the one that helped me re-find what i lost,
as someone who stayed with me through it all,
i love you.
<3

it's true;

you are the most annoying,
rude,
obnoxious,
stupid,
submissive,
stupid,
hateful,
stupid,
awful,
stupid,
loving,
caring,
stupid,
cute,
funny,
stupid person i know.

and after all that:
i still want you.

you've got the dream life, baby;

as a friend and i were talking about the dream life around a week ago, it got me to thinking.

is this really what i want? do i want to stay here forever, or do i want to live life, fufill my dreams, be everything and more that i've always wanted?

my heart became doused in the 'what ifs' of life.

what if i'm not happy here?
what if i regret not going on with life?
what if i had great opportunities?
what if.
what if.
what if.

i don't want to waste life away and settle.
i want to go far away, find the job of my dreams, the house of my dreams, the man of my dreams.
i want my DREAMS. i don't want them to float away.

one more thing:
i want you to come with me.

never again;

1. i don't want you back. ever. i thought everything was better than it really was. i thought you were the world, but you weren't. you aren't. honestly, i don't care how mean i sound, but i don't care anymore. i don't want ANYTHING to do with you. stop trying to talk to me. stop trying to get me to want you back. i don't, and i won't. ever.

2. on the other hand, you, kind sir, are what i have my eye on. i've told you, you know. it's a waste of all of my time, for you don't want me. you say that i don't know that, and i don't. i would do anything to have another chance. you aren't worth it, i can get better. the thing is, i don't want better. i want YOU. i hope you know that.

two completely different people. two completely different opinions. one girl.
</3

it's a lie;

my life, it's a lie. everything.

i don't feel like elaborating, for nobody's out there to listen.
nobody wants to know how i really feel.

yes, i go off alone sometimes,
that's me.
yes, if i'm bored with what you're doing i'll walk away.
that's me.
yes, i am quiet most of the time.
that's me.
no, i don't really have manners.
that's me.
no, i don't really care what you think.
that's me.

get. over. it.
life is a lie.

if i could;

if i could just take back that one thing that i did, that one silly mistake, i would be in such a better position.

i could have you all to myself.
i could still be known.
i could be happy.

i hurt, and there's still so much to think about.
how am i going to make this happen with such little money, time, and resources?

this is going to be a miracle if it all works.

which i hope to goodness it does.
<3

i want you back;

but i never even had you in the first place..

have i mentioned?;

i hate being called the "new girl."

also, i miss home. so much. i want my friends back, i want my life back. i didn't think it would be this hard.

i made the decision to leave because i thought it would help out. i thought it would be easy. i thought i would have friends.

i read in a journal: "i'm doing it to help out. my heart is telling me that it'll be the worst decision i've ever made. i decided not to listen."

why?
my one question.
why?

journey-less;

the wind, it floats so cold with words.
you're in and out of sleep tonight,
and it led you to the shed to hide.

another sleepless night, accompanied by too many thoughts.
my head hurts, get me some water, will you?

i thought a new year would bring new hopes, new aspirations, but it really didn't. i don't feel like i've moved on, forced upon my plate a new round of life.

few words are spoken, too many thoughts are shared.

is the new life going to hurt? yes.
was it necessary? most definetly.

now, it's time to build my new reputation. i can be whoever i want to be.

let the journey begin.