it's true;

you are the most annoying,
rude,
obnoxious,
stupid,
submissive,
stupid,
hateful,
stupid,
awful,
stupid,
loving,
caring,
stupid,
cute,
funny,
stupid person i know.

and after all that:
i still want you.

you've got the dream life, baby;

as a friend and i were talking about the dream life around a week ago, it got me to thinking.

is this really what i want? do i want to stay here forever, or do i want to live life, fufill my dreams, be everything and more that i've always wanted?

my heart became doused in the 'what ifs' of life.

what if i'm not happy here?
what if i regret not going on with life?
what if i had great opportunities?
what if.
what if.
what if.

i don't want to waste life away and settle.
i want to go far away, find the job of my dreams, the house of my dreams, the man of my dreams.
i want my DREAMS. i don't want them to float away.

one more thing:
i want you to come with me.

never again;

1. i don't want you back. ever. i thought everything was better than it really was. i thought you were the world, but you weren't. you aren't. honestly, i don't care how mean i sound, but i don't care anymore. i don't want ANYTHING to do with you. stop trying to talk to me. stop trying to get me to want you back. i don't, and i won't. ever.

2. on the other hand, you, kind sir, are what i have my eye on. i've told you, you know. it's a waste of all of my time, for you don't want me. you say that i don't know that, and i don't. i would do anything to have another chance. you aren't worth it, i can get better. the thing is, i don't want better. i want YOU. i hope you know that.

two completely different people. two completely different opinions. one girl.
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it's a lie;

my life, it's a lie. everything.

i don't feel like elaborating, for nobody's out there to listen.
nobody wants to know how i really feel.

yes, i go off alone sometimes,
that's me.
yes, if i'm bored with what you're doing i'll walk away.
that's me.
yes, i am quiet most of the time.
that's me.
no, i don't really have manners.
that's me.
no, i don't really care what you think.
that's me.

get. over. it.
life is a lie.

if i could;

if i could just take back that one thing that i did, that one silly mistake, i would be in such a better position.

i could have you all to myself.
i could still be known.
i could be happy.

i hurt, and there's still so much to think about.
how am i going to make this happen with such little money, time, and resources?

this is going to be a miracle if it all works.

which i hope to goodness it does.
<3

i want you back;

but i never even had you in the first place..

have i mentioned?;

i hate being called the "new girl."

also, i miss home. so much. i want my friends back, i want my life back. i didn't think it would be this hard.

i made the decision to leave because i thought it would help out. i thought it would be easy. i thought i would have friends.

i read in a journal: "i'm doing it to help out. my heart is telling me that it'll be the worst decision i've ever made. i decided not to listen."

why?
my one question.
why?

journey-less;

the wind, it floats so cold with words.
you're in and out of sleep tonight,
and it led you to the shed to hide.

another sleepless night, accompanied by too many thoughts.
my head hurts, get me some water, will you?

i thought a new year would bring new hopes, new aspirations, but it really didn't. i don't feel like i've moved on, forced upon my plate a new round of life.

few words are spoken, too many thoughts are shared.

is the new life going to hurt? yes.
was it necessary? most definetly.

now, it's time to build my new reputation. i can be whoever i want to be.

let the journey begin.