mad world;

"i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad. the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had."
my head was pounding as i slowly awoke. it had been one of those nights again. as my eyes slipped closed one last time, the images replayed. it was the same concept of the dream i kept having. she didn't want me to be in their lives and nothing would stop her from ridding me from it. it hurt. every second that the dream continued, my head throbbed harder and harder. i couldn't fathom the idea that the past thirteen years had been a joke, all leading up to this plan to get rid of me. every time my mind wanders towards it in the abyss of my dreams, i die. i kill myself in every way possible to stop from hearing her. get rid of her. those words haunt me, every second of every day, both in my dream world and in real life. she puts on such a good face. sh makes it seem like she is the perfect angel in every situation. it kills me. everything about her kills me. i'd rather be in my dream world, happy and dead.

don't go chasing waterfalls;

as i sit here and slowly wipe the dripping mascara off from under my eyes, i try to solve the mystery as to what's wrong. i can't think of a certain thing that has set me off this time. there's a multitude of things that could be the cause of the flowing tears:
-i never feel good enough. i feel like nothing i do is ever appreciated by anybody. i try my hardest, leaving nothing but a trail of dust behind me, but nobody notices. no matter what i do, i'm always second best. i'm never the first choice for anything, never have been, never will be.
-to go along with the first one, you talk to her over me. sure, we sit on the phone every night, but every time i pick it up to say something, you're in full conversation with her. it hurts. you never listen to what i have to say unless she went away to do something. my heart throbs with the pain from it. i've told you before that i get overly jealous, and you said it would all work out okay. obviously if it's still hurting me, then it's not okay.
-today didn't bother me. it didn't seem weird to me that they were in the same place at the same time. i hated that i didn't feel resentment or anything towards either of you. i hated that i couldn't feel the pain. i hated that it felt normal. i hate myself for this whole day.
-to be honest, i'm not stressing over what you think i'm stressing about. i'm stressing about you.
that's some of the things it could be, but like with every other situation, there's more. i'm done writing for the night. goodnight <3

love letter to;

i hope you know that when i say that you're good enough and that you're worth it, i mean every single ounce of it. you are my whole life, the main reason i wake up in the morning. throughout the years, you've helped me through everything. you've lifted me out of ditches that i thought were too big for me to escape. you've told me over and over again of your love for me. although it may not seem like it did anything or that i didn't care, i did. you are the reason i'm here today. you're the reason i felt worth it enough to stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.

love, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i've put you through so much stress and pain. i'm sorry i wasn't there for you at the times you needed it the most. i'm sorry i wasn't there when your heart cried out for me. i know sorry doesn't cut it, but it's all i have. i can honestly say that what i did was awful...stupid and cruel. i know. i hope you can take this apology and my love and put it towards one step forward into our lives. i'm never going to leave you, and i hope to god that you won't ever leave me. you're the light of my world. nothing is ever going to change how i feel for you. i love you, forever.

dreams are just dreams;

this picture makes me want to dream. i want to lay my haggard body down and slip into the dark abyss where no reality can seep it's way in. my dream world is that of every young child's: rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns. the alternate dream world brings me a separate train of thoughts, nothing dark or depressing. the alternate dream world takes away the pain of the day and transforms it into a beautiful enchantment, slowly sucking me in. this world leaves me breathless, in awe of all the good around. i never want to escape from the world, never want to leave the blissful spirits around. my body is craving the much needed sleep, the much needed escape from this reality. every intake of breath drains me of my energy, each time leaving merely a drop left, only enough for the next breath. now it's my time to depart, to leave this world of pity and hate, and go to my dream land, full of rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns.
<3

weheartit;

i was browsing weheartit.com and i found a few inspiring pictures (: although they're shared on the website, i found the need to share them here; enjoy <3

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old dream, new plan;

this picture inspired me; it brought back my want and need of photography.
from this day forward, i'm going to pursue in my love of pictures. i'm going to be the person walking down the street, camera in hand, ready for the perfect opportunity to make the beautiful scene a permant piece of history. i'm going to follow my dreams and improve my technique. i will be a photographer. <3

i want to make a comeback;

dreams are said to be a foresight of the future.
as i was rereading old blog posts, i came across a dream i had over a year ago. i remembered it like it was yesterday. the cold water sitting infront of me, the chills i had down my back. every word she spoke stung me with a piercing pain, exploding across my chest. "she's just making life harder for us. make her go away." the words that pushed me over the edge. they were the single most hurtful words i'd ever heard. as i was pondering my thoughts the other day, one hit me, killing me more than anything ever had before. "they split up because she didn't want me in their life. they wanted it to be just them and thier kids. they didn't want some other woman's child in their lives under their care any longer." this was all a part of their huge plan. they planned it, thinking i would be gone. he thought he could do it. he thought that if he had her and her children, the world would be fine. he didn't think that i meant that much to him. he didn't know that the little spawn of his past, childhood relationship could impact him to a point of turning back. "you don't need her. she's just like her mother. they act the same, look the same, talk the same. everything is the same. do you really want her to be back in your life?" he didn't know which way to go. he didn't know which path he wanted. one path was with the woman he had had the desire to be with for years now, and the other led him to a young girl that was in desperate need of her father. either path would lead to the dissapation of any chance with the other. he couldn't take the pain, the envy of each woman to the other, so he left, leaving no trace of himself behind. in the end, he ended up residing with her and her family, finishing their plan of living happily ever after. i was left in the cold with no father and no hope of my dreams being fufilled. because he made the choice to embrace her needs in leiu of mine, i'm now a lost child, wandering around in the dark of days, crying out of my daddy. "you don't need her." he didn't need me, and that kills me beyond life itself.