when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions;

i've come to the realization that sorrows don't come little by little. when i get down, i get down, deeper than i ever imagined possible. it starts with one simple thing, and soon turns into a whirlpool of stress.

rain, rain, go away, don't come back another day.
*and please take the sorrows with you.

example: he came by a few weeks ago. he had news that "only he could tell me." he had the nerve to say that even though i said i didn't want to talk to him again, ever.

sorrow: came from the fact that he stopped by. a lot. i hate when he does that, for it causes me nothing but sorrow and pain. there we go. another fact is that news he was talking about. i know i acted like it didn't really effect me, which it didn't as much as anyone would think it would, but it still effected me. i didn't know him well, if at all. the fact that he was my flesh and blood is the part that hurt, causing mere sorrow.

what people would think was only something minuscule and minute was really a pound of bricks, landing on me, one at a time, until i could no longer take it. i broke down. things add on, slowly but surely. sorrows build up.

when they disappear, they go away for a while, until suddenly, they come back, all in battalions, ready to strike their next target:

me.

there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so;

nothing is categorized in this world. there is no good or bad. everyone has their own opinions, forms their own view of everything here. what's good to one may be awful to another.

thinking makes it so.

thinking something to be bad will make it bad, but only to you, as thinking something to be good will make it good, yet again, within you and your beliefs.

this is how people come to their own opinions, form their own conclusions on matters.

what may seem bad to you may seem good to me.
by you thinking it's bad, that's how you'll see it.
and the same for me.

the end.

the truth?;

guys, you take away all of my self-confidence. you say that you don't date anyone bigger than you, no exceptions. you don't even give a girl a chance if she's bigger. way to make her feel good.

way.
to.
go.

<|3

♥

estoy viviendo en la cima del mundo.
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je suis vivant sur le toit du monde.
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ich bin auf dem gipfel der welt leben.
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io sto vivendo in cima al mondo.
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я живу на вершине мира.
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我生活在世界之巅。
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私は世界の上に住んでいます。
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tá mé ag maireachtáil ar bharr an domhain.
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i am living on top of the world.
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<3

this above all: to thine own self be true;

my head pounds, my heart aches. i feel different, dazed.

each day, i find myself asking the same question:

who are you?

it goes deeper than the surface. there's a bigger meaning behind the simple, 3 word question. who am i? what have i made of myself? what was i? who was i? have i changed? was that for the better?

although they all may seem like the same, easy-to-answer question, they're not.

to question who you are to yourself is difficult. just the thought of knowing that i could be lying to myself, making up different faces for myself, hiding behind a black veil is awful. it makes me question everything.

new goal: find myself. "to thine own self be true." if i don't lie to myself, i won't lie to others. if i lie to myself, everything will become a lie.

to be or not to be;

that is the question.

hashavaka;

jdsaikvonriawdn;

this is my mind right now. completely disheveled.
do i wish i could fix it? yes.
but this is reality.
it hurts to think. but everytime i turn around, another thought twists and turns through the pathway until it hits my sweet spot.

go away thoughts.
let me live in peace.

<|3

angst?;

i feel as if i should feel some pain behind that statement. i feel like my heart should've sunken into my chest and a burning fire should've shot through my chest.

but it didn't. and i feel awful.

untitled;

i can't help but wonder if it's written to me.
i know if sounds selfish in a way, but it runs through my head.
i seem to find the worst in it all.
i see something bad, and automatically relate it back to myself.

(i really want some spinich dip and chips right now.)

is that bad?

i don't want to lose you, ever. i'm so sick of going through people like they're last week's newspapers. that's not how i want this to be. ever.

"can you hear me? does anyone around me feel the way that i feel now?"
everything is a dark abyss. i feel so empty, alone.

*he stopped by last night. i don't want to see him. ever again. harsh? good, he deserves it.

tears stream;

i read what you wrote, and it made me cry. i'm not going to let it be like every other person. even when i'm gone.

dear anonymous;

here we go:

-i gave it my all, and yet it wasn't enough. i'm not sure what i can do anymore. i guess this is the part where i let go and know that, in the end, i tried my hardest.

-you scare me woman. end of story.

-i really dislike the feeling i get when i see you. you are one of my good friends, but i can't help but think what things would be like had i not messed up. that's all i can say.

-this one is to a large, large group of people. you all are my inspiration.

-i'm friends with you outside of band, no doubt about it. in band, i can't stand you.

-i have a very low tolerance level. you think after 5 1/2 years of knowing me, you'd know that.

-(second one for the same person) when i told you that thing, i know you wanted to laugh. i saw it in your face. i'm waiting to prove you and her wrong. wait and see.

*enough for today.

<3

where is my mr. darcy?;

ever since last summer, i fell into this deep, passionate want to find my mr. darcy. pride and prejudice was just a small part of my summer that affected me a lot. elizabeth found her one true love, her life, her everything. they weren't on the best of terms in the beginning, they were completely opposite. yet, in the end, they were made for each other. he was quiet, she wasn't. he came from a wealthy background, she didn't. he was mysterious. he was handsome. he was everything a girl wants.

there is some desire in my heart to find my mr. darcy. it's unable to be explained, yet vivid images of it flow from my mind. a scene from the movie plays over and over again in my head. it's the scene where they're in the field, towards the end of the movie. it would be the perfect moment in time. a perfect time with my mr. darcy.

and thus;

the tears flow.

as for me and jesus;

we're getting pretty tight(:
my life is changing, a lot. i've been doing things differently, putting different things first in my life.
i'm starting to like it, a lot <3

dinner for three;

dearest friends,

this past year wouldn't have been the best year i've had, had it not been for you. i started out knowing one of you and becoming best friends (we'll call you friend one), and i've almost ended this year being best friends with the other (and we'll call you friend two). i'm going to go in chronological order of the year to recap. i hope it helps.

january-february: i was completely distracted by a boy. my life was consumed by him and all that he was. it was new, refreshing. it was hard to believe that an older boy could want me and find me so magnificent. friend one was there for me then. we were so tight and so close that if you wanted one of us, you got both of us. i think this is around the time the hardships hit. he wanted me, all of me. like i just said, if you got one of us, you got the both of us. he wasn't okay with that.
*hardship one: friend vs. boyfriend.
~~winner: at first, boyfriend. in the end, friend. (i couldn't give up my friends to be with someone i barely knew myself. gave him up for everyone else.)

march-mid may: we mended what was broken. you took me back after everything that happened between me and some silly boy. and yet again, we were attached at the hip. one weekend we were at my house, the next we were at yours. my mom was your mom, and your mom was my mom. we realized that we were so alike it was creepy. every part of our childhood and teenage years were eerily alike. we shared parts of our lives that nobody else knew. it was kind of bitter sweet. no friendship i had before had ever lasted. i wanted it to so bad, you understood me like nobody else did. i didn't want it to end. we went on spring break together, and for some reason, i feel like after that is when things changed. nothing was the same. i cried a lot about it after the fact. i didn't want things to be ruined.
*hardship two: drifting.
~~solved?: kind of, not really. things didn't go back up until a little bit later. to be explained.

late may-early august: you left to go to your dad's. i know you told me in advance, but it was still shocking to me that you actually left. i felt like you left me, didn't want to be friends anymore. that's when friend two came into the picture. friend two, you felt the same way i did when friend one left. at least, that's what i've taken from it. we clicked from the get-go. we had a lot in common. we liked a lot of the same stuff, listened to the same music, and had a lot of the same views. the whole summer we became closer and closer friends. we slowly became attached at the hip, never leaving each others side.
-intermission: friend one, you said we would hang out every time you came back. that failed. when you did, you had a friend with you. i tried to see if you wanted to at least do something for an hour or so, but you said we couldn't because you had her there. it broke my heart. i felt things drift from there.
continuing. friend two, you and i went on vacation together. i saved you from the misery your mom tried to put you in. neither of us were really big beach goers, but we got through it. that experience brought us so much closer together. having band together was another thing that made it easier. all of my time became consumed in the one activity and you were the only one there. we bonded, stayed with each other all the time. friend one was still one of the number one topic of our talks. we both missed her. a lot.
-intermission: friend one, you came back.
*hardship three: friend vs. friend.
~~winner: friend two. sorry friend one, i'm not sure what happend. even to this day.

mid august-now: friend one, our friendship has deteriorated. whether it was because of the breakdown of the business or because you thought you lost me to friend two, i'm not sure. here is my reasoning behind quitting, just so there are no misconceptions: i couldn't take the stress from my ap english class and do the business. we had homework every night and i couldn't keep up. i didn't feel fast enough at making bracelets. i felt like i was a drag, slowly killing the business. band consumed all of my time and i didn't have time. people were getting mad at me because when i had time off of band, i was bracelet making. i couldn't do it any more. everything was getting to me and i broke down. maybe one of these days, we can start it back up. i just couldn't at the time. friend two, you have held me up through everything. through everything with friend one, boys, this was the time period that made the earlier stuff worth it. i don't want to lose you as a friend. ever. don't ever forget that.
*hardship four: now vs. then.
~~winner: tba.

friend one: i just want to tell you that i miss you, a lot. if we can't be friends again, can i just know what i did wrong? i hate sitting up at night not knowing. ps, i'm moving this winter. i don't want to leave not knowing.

friend two: no matter what, we'll always be friends. i know you've been scared in thinking that i'll leave, but i won't. i promise.

*the hard (probably easy) part: finding out who is who. clearing this whole situation up is my goal. i hope it helps <3

love you both always,
bree.