The feeling is so prominent;

I feel death tonight.
I have nothing else to live for.

Time is Precious;

I think what ninety percent of this world has failed to see is that one statement, one simple word even, can affect someone so greatly. One simple scoff of your voice is enough to send me over the deep end. One little roll of your eyes could be what pushes me over the edge.

I just needed one person to back me up, and for you to say "no" just killed all hope. I have nothing if you won't come with me. The only downfall is, I'm not going to wait another few months. I'm ready to start everything now.

*This post was pointless ranting.
**It's time like these, when I feel so desperately alone, that a glimmer of death is very well possible.

Lost it all;

The one person that was supposed to be by my side for everything just shot it all down.

Nobody realizes the severity of my problem.

Not in a Million Years;

Sometimes, I have these thoughts that run through my head and give me insane ideas.
Sometimes, I like the insane ideas, and I think more into them.
Sometimes, the ideas start to take over.
Sometimes, the ideas get to me and make me feel differently.
Sometimes, I have the feeling that these ideas are planted there.
Sometimes, I think they may be a sign.
Sometimes, I am able to shrug them off.
Sometimes, I am not able to stop thinking of them.
Sometimes, they make my heart hurt and yearn for more.
Sometimes, they make me sick to my stomach.
Sometimes, I fully believe they are possible.

<3<3<3

Unpublished;

i have to sit here and act like nothing is wrong:
the emotions are flowing out of me, leaving me breathless. i don't know what more i could possibly do. i know you told me there was nothing there anymore, that it was merely a friendship, but with every passing second, it hurts more. you progressively talk more and more as the days go by. she slipped in right at your exact moment of weakness. you were stumbling over invisible barriers, the last things holding you back. you were 1 centimeter away from crossing the finish line to the ever-long race you'd been running. the thought of finally crossing the line overwhelmed you. it absorbed every sense of your being and made you blind to the world. that was the moment she slipped in and took over. you didn't matter in the least to her, but as soon as you were about to claim victory over a long, hard fought battle, as soon as she knew she would be lost in the abyss, she couldn't take it.

Written: Late November, 2011

New Way of Processing;

I decided that since my friends are nearly non-existent, I needed to let my heart out to someone, and whether it be to my blog or if people are really still out there, this will have to do.

The last year has been the largest growing curve of my life. I've grown into a woman, gotten a job (or two..or three), moved out on my own, began a serious relationship, fought my way through life, mentally broken myself down and found places I never even knew existed, etc. The list goes on.

I've found a lot about myself, and I think the biggest thing is that I'm not good with close relationships. I have acquaintances, yes, but once one passes the line into a closer place in my heart, I just can't seem to do it. I have to have my distance because I don't want to hurt people. I know for a fact that once someone gets too close, I have to push them away. My head and heart can't balance the bond that people should be able to have.

My depression has 100% gotten worse. Some days I can barely function, for I don't feel like there is anything in this world for me. If I can't hold relationships with anyone, if I can't see a future in anything I do, then what's the point? That one question has been picking and eating at me for nearly 10 years now. Why it's just now really hitting me, I'm not sure.

I never realized that growing up meant changing so drastically.
It hurts.

Enough for now. <3