Six Years;

Here I sit, six years later and still coming to the comfort of my old words. I reread, refeel, relive all of these moments that I've entrusted into a silly website.

Some days are good, some are bad. I can't even begin to decipher which is which at this point. My down days get drown out by positivity, and my good days are constantly being pulled down by others burdens.

My hearts yearns for love, for acceptance.. But my brain still won't let it happen. I always seem to pull any negative scenario out, and it's exhausting.

Scenario: 
We are sitting at my house.

You put your arms around me and tell me you love me.

You tell me you couldn't imagine being anywhere else but here with me.

My head turns it all around.
It thinks of all of the other people that have been in this place with you.

It focuses on the thought that you have said the same to others.

It won't let me enjoy the moment.

I am exhausted. I don't want my emotions anymore, for they just drag me down so deep.

Somebody take me back to the days;

I've been trying to do better, honest mommy.
I've been working towards being happy.
I've been working towards ridding myself of the suicidal thoughts that seem to conquer every square inch of my brain.
I've been working out the plan for how I'm going to--
Nevermind.
No mommy, I've been a good girl.
Please don't..
Ouch mommy, that hurt.
Why would you not believe your daughter?
Mommy...?

The feeling is so prominent;

I feel death tonight.
I have nothing else to live for.

Time is Precious;

I think what ninety percent of this world has failed to see is that one statement, one simple word even, can affect someone so greatly. One simple scoff of your voice is enough to send me over the deep end. One little roll of your eyes could be what pushes me over the edge.

I just needed one person to back me up, and for you to say "no" just killed all hope. I have nothing if you won't come with me. The only downfall is, I'm not going to wait another few months. I'm ready to start everything now.

*This post was pointless ranting.
**It's time like these, when I feel so desperately alone, that a glimmer of death is very well possible.

Lost it all;

The one person that was supposed to be by my side for everything just shot it all down.

Nobody realizes the severity of my problem.

Not in a Million Years;

Sometimes, I have these thoughts that run through my head and give me insane ideas.
Sometimes, I like the insane ideas, and I think more into them.
Sometimes, the ideas start to take over.
Sometimes, the ideas get to me and make me feel differently.
Sometimes, I have the feeling that these ideas are planted there.
Sometimes, I think they may be a sign.
Sometimes, I am able to shrug them off.
Sometimes, I am not able to stop thinking of them.
Sometimes, they make my heart hurt and yearn for more.
Sometimes, they make me sick to my stomach.
Sometimes, I fully believe they are possible.

<3<3<3

Unpublished;

i have to sit here and act like nothing is wrong:
the emotions are flowing out of me, leaving me breathless. i don't know what more i could possibly do. i know you told me there was nothing there anymore, that it was merely a friendship, but with every passing second, it hurts more. you progressively talk more and more as the days go by. she slipped in right at your exact moment of weakness. you were stumbling over invisible barriers, the last things holding you back. you were 1 centimeter away from crossing the finish line to the ever-long race you'd been running. the thought of finally crossing the line overwhelmed you. it absorbed every sense of your being and made you blind to the world. that was the moment she slipped in and took over. you didn't matter in the least to her, but as soon as you were about to claim victory over a long, hard fought battle, as soon as she knew she would be lost in the abyss, she couldn't take it.

Written: Late November, 2011

New Way of Processing;

I decided that since my friends are nearly non-existent, I needed to let my heart out to someone, and whether it be to my blog or if people are really still out there, this will have to do.

The last year has been the largest growing curve of my life. I've grown into a woman, gotten a job (or two..or three), moved out on my own, began a serious relationship, fought my way through life, mentally broken myself down and found places I never even knew existed, etc. The list goes on.

I've found a lot about myself, and I think the biggest thing is that I'm not good with close relationships. I have acquaintances, yes, but once one passes the line into a closer place in my heart, I just can't seem to do it. I have to have my distance because I don't want to hurt people. I know for a fact that once someone gets too close, I have to push them away. My head and heart can't balance the bond that people should be able to have.

My depression has 100% gotten worse. Some days I can barely function, for I don't feel like there is anything in this world for me. If I can't hold relationships with anyone, if I can't see a future in anything I do, then what's the point? That one question has been picking and eating at me for nearly 10 years now. Why it's just now really hitting me, I'm not sure.

I never realized that growing up meant changing so drastically.
It hurts.

Enough for now. <3

Not in a Mansion of Wood and Stone;

As more and more time passes, I can see the little girl in me growing up to be the strong, independent woman that I have worked my whole life to find. I can feel the small things in my mind slowly falling into place, only to form the bigger picture.

If I have to grow up, I want to move on from the place that has taught me, oh so well, to be myself. I want to move away from the place that has held me back from reaching my full potential. I want to escape the paradise that has been so gratefully provided to me.

 I need to go out and venture. I need to find what my true calling is. I need to get away from the atmosphere that has caused so many depressing and suicidal thoughts. I need to find the place where I can truly grow and express the true feelings and desires that I have.

When everyone says life hits you all at once and your curtain falls down, it's true.

Big Sister:
A few years ago, you let me know that through the journey of growing up, everything would feel like it was breaking. You said that the weight of the world, whether it be the people, the atmosphere, the circumstances, etc., would come down and crash into me full force once it was that time. Well, Sis, I think now is the time. I think if there is one thing I can take from the place I was born and raised, it is exactly that. You have indirectly taught me so much. Even though for the past few years, as I have been growing and finding myself, we haven't talked, you have still had a huge influence on my way of thinking. You have shown me that nobody else can determine your happiness. You have shown me that I can't let the thoughts and opinions of everyone else block the one pathway that I truly want to take. Thank you so much, Sis. So much. I love you.

Twin:
I know it has been more than ages since we've seen each other or even technically called each other "Twin," but I want you to know that in the process of growing up, you have definitely had the biggest influence on me. We have cried, laughed, harmed, grown, fought, and loved our way to the point we are at now. I know we aren't very tight anymore, which I am truly remorseful for, but I know that in the end, you would have my back. Sit tight. Every thing will work out in your favor. You are an exceptional young woman, and life has just begun for you. I know, probably better than some, the hand life has dealt to you has at times been awful, but as long as you make the best move possible from it, you will be successful. Life won't beat you, dear. I know you are strong enough to overcome every little thing that comes your way. I love you.

Dumpling:
Oh, our path has been rough, and here lately, I wish I could change it all. I wish I could go back in time and fix the times that I know I messed up. I wish that things would all be peachy keen, just like they were back during senior year. On the flip side, I know I can't change the past. I know I can't change what happened, what was said, or what was felt, but what I do know is that we have to learn and live from this. If this is the sole purpose of what was so apparent between us, then let it be. The force of the universe is what leads us and lets us feel what decisions we should make. Some of us mess up. I know that in our friendship, I have multiple times. I'm not going to be generous, as this whole story is about growing from the past, so you have made mistakes too. We all have. I am not quite sure where I am going with this, just because of the fact that I don't want it to be over. I want us to go back to the way things were and continue on with the lives we had planned out for ourselves. I will leave it at that for now and get back to you.

Ultimately, I don't want to grow up. I want life to be simple. Every last piece of me wants to be ten years old again, playing with barbies, making beaded bracelets, and running around in the back yard, but let's face it. I have to grow up, just as everyone else does. Every single person in this whole world has a reason that they went through what they did as a child, teenager, and even young adult. 

I am here to find my purpose.
My curtain has closed and now fallen.

to all;

i've sat here a countless number of times, wishing i could continue on with my blog and keep writing, but i never had a clue as to what i wanted to say. well, here i am, and i had a thought.

it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. do what you want to do, and don't succumb to others. was that even the right word? who care. be free.

pictures of you;

as i was trying to reorganize my room because of my new lack of furniture, i came across the letters you wrote me. i ripped most of them up as a result of anger and despair over a year ago, but i found the secret stash i kept. there was only one reason i kept the select few i did: so that i could come across them at a later point in time and read them and feel the love you felt towards me, that i didn't feel in return.


exactly that happened.


i cried for a short amount of time, and afterwards sat there, feeling like there would be no end to the tribulation that was rushing through my body. lucky for me, it did. it was the same feeling i always get after reading the letters. i felt free: free of the hardships i faced while being with you, free of the pain i was caused, free of the world.

my life goal;

i want to study music. the only thing i've ever been able to stick with in life is music: both playing and listening. i don't care if people criticize me and tell me it's a dying business; it's what i want. everyday, the only thing that comes to mind when i hear the word aspirations is music. i want to keep playing my flute. i want to teach others how to make beautiful music. i want people to see that my dreams are real and that i won't give up for anything. <3