snooping much?;

That wasn't my business at all to read. At. All. There was no need to go and see that. The only thing that made me do it was the dire need to know more. My mind thrives to find out more, to see what happened. I feel it's just a part of being a human. We're all curious about more than we should be, right? We all sometimes snoop too far and go out of our way to find what we thrive for, yes? There it is. Although I feel bad, I found a new appreciation for you. I found why you hurt so much around him. I found why it's hard for you to talk about what happened. I understand. I won't do that to you. Ever. <3

what i've overcome;

enough said;
jesus <3

opinions-revealed;

It's terribly difficult for me to put my thoughts into words. The thoughts flow very vividly through my head, detail upon detail oh so prominent. I wish so badly that I could have the ability to awe people with my thoughts. I feel like I'm doing nothing more than spilling out my head just for nobody to listen. It always seems to be easier to write whenever I have something to say. No creativity comes to mind whatsoever whenever I have no idea. I want to build a mind that can come up with a story, an idea, anything whenever I need it to. I suppose I'll go on with a list of things:
*You replied to my post. I'm happy. I finally got my unanswered questions answered.
*I found your profile today. I know you blocked me, but somehow it was there. I thought I would feel better, I thought I would try to fix things again, but the longer I looked at it, the longer I seemed to not really care. Sure, I wish we could be friends again, but that takes two people's efforts. If you don't want to, then we won't.
*You stopped messaging me. I hope you never say anything else. Ever.
*Each time we continue to talk, I seem to stay happy. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but however long is long enough for me.
*Despite your telling me to stop, I didn't. I can't. I see what I'm about to do in my mind, but I block it out. I see that it's wrong, but my mind can't think of it at the time. I may get better one day, but for now, I'm not. I wish you would notice.
*Your whole family has made a huge impact in my life. You guys have showed me what it's like to live, what it's like to have the best thing as the king in my life. Thank you all so much. It means a lot.
*You are the best thing that has happened to me. You've showed me what it's like to live. My very existance is all thanks to you. I have nothing else to live for.
*I didn't know you thought that lowly of me. I didn't know you would take a joke that far. I think I look and act pretty straight.
I like the feeling of this. Writing anonymously to all of the "you's" out there. I like it a lot.

never a better time to ask;

I found myself meandering through everything you've decided to share with the world. I found myself tearing up more and more with each word I read. You never cease to amaze me. Throughout the years, everytime you asked me to do anything, I never did it to my fullest. Everytime you asked me to read anything you had written, sure I did, but never all the way. I took advantage of the time I had you. I took advantage of it, and I never cherished the time. To be completely honest, I didn't know it would have to come to an end. I never fathomed the idea of you growing up and becoming someone else. I never imagined you'd find your one true love so quickly. I don't want this to look like I'm not happy or proud of you, because I completely am. I'm truly honored to have someone like you in my life to show me the way. Before writing this, I was reading your blog. I was rereading everything that I had just skimmed over in the past. With ever word I read, tears continued to form in my eyes. Why am I crying? Do you remember when I said I lost you? When I said that I felt like I got replaced? As I'm sitting here thinking about it, I never got replaced, you just grew up. That point in my life when my best friend in the world found her love killed me. I turned to you for everything. I looked up to you. We sat up all night everytime I came over and just talked. You were the only person that I spilled every single one of my secrets to. I told you everything. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to those days. I wish we could still sit on the couch and talk for hours on end. I wish you were still close enough where if I wanted to see you, I could. Your writings that I read earlier were amazing. They seemed to be full of emotion, full of passion. If you ever read this, will you tell me why you stopped? Why all of a sudden your passion changed? That's all I want to know.
<3

meaningless words;

"As she lay in her bed,
tears continuously streaming down her face,
the memories kept coming.
They haunted her,
reminded her of her past.
What happened to him?
Why did he suddenly turn?
We were best friends,
shared everything together.
Those things and more,
just would not leave.
She was different at school,
and everywhere she went.
They changed her eating habits,
sleeping pattern,
and even socialness.
People noticed,
she denied everything.
One day,
from all the stress,
she'll die.
Whether it's a suicide or a homocide,
she'll die,
never to be seen again."
-(2007)

Remember that notebook I found the other day?
I found that inside of it. It brought an odd feeling to me, reading over what i wrote that long ago. A very odd feeling indeed.

a lost thought-finally found;

as i was reading through an old notebook, i found a poem written a few years back. it was told of a sad, lonely girl who had it all. she had a wonderful life, couldn't ask for anything more. once that drastic change happened in her life, what was oh so perfect before turned out to be nothing. her dreams were crushed, ruined.

the one thing she had wanted in life was a perfect, elogant wedding. she wanted it to be huge, big dress and all. she wanted it to be like the ones she saw on television. the vision of it was clear in her head. a huge church, guests galore, brides maids, grooms men, everything. she saw her mother in the front pew, seeing her with eyes telling her how beautiful she was without even a word being spoken. the one part that was going to be taken away from her was her father walking her down the isle. her father giving her away to her awaiting groom. her father being her hero through it all.

her perfect life was rained upon when he walked out, left forever. now her biggest dream in the world is left in the dust with no possible way to be recovered, ever.

practice round-take one;

this is the one place where i can truse my thoughts not be told out to the world. this is the one place i can tell my secrets to and i don't have to worry about them being spilled everywhere. this is the one place.


dearest friend,
through the past five years, we've been on again, off again friends. at times, we fight. actually, most of the time we fight. you said that we always end up friends again afterwards. this may be true for you, but it's not the same on the other side. i'm not the type of person to forgive and forget. sometimes, yes i do forget, but what good does that do? what good does not remembering your mistakes do? every fight we've had has punched me in the face and told me to let go. it has told me that the biggest burden in my life is weighing me down. time and time again, i find myself thinking of life. this friendship has shaped me to become who i am today. though there are times when i feel i'm not exactly where i want to be, i start to think of the good things in life. i start to think of the things that don't weigh me down. i'm oh so sorry to say that you aren't in that list. it breaks me to say this to you, breaks me completely. you've spilled your heart to me so many times. you've told me secrets that you haven't told anyone else. to be completely honest, i don't know why you would turn to me. now, don't think i'm going to put all of this on my shoulders and try to put a pity party on myself, because i'm not. if that's the type of person you think i am, you know nothing about me. the day i give this letter to you is the day my life is going to change. the day i give this letter to you, a huge burden will be lifted off of my shoulders. everything happens for a reason. every single person is placed in our lives to play a role. they are there to play a part. when it is time for them to go off stage, time their role in the play is over, they are done. that makes sense, yes? i feel your role in my life has come to an end. you've played your part, and it is time to descend off of my stage, my life. our friendship has been one of the highlights of my life. it always will be. i'm sure by now you're thinking that it's a big mistake what i'm doing and that i should just forgive you. i should drop my point and continue on with life. do you remember when i let my father go? do you remember when i told him enough was enough, that i was strong enough to go on without him? that was his sign that his turn on the stage was over. this is the same scenario with you. we will both go on with our lives. we will both have friends, family, boys, everything come and go. we both came to eachother and now we go. it's all apart of the circle of life. i will never forget all of the times we've shared together. i will never forget anything. you hold a place in my heart and always will, but i'm afraid it's time to let go. it's time to cut the cord holding us together. a clean cut is a lot less painful than one shredded over time. good luck with life friend. good luck.
sinceraly,
a friend.

coming out of hiding;

my whole life has been about hiding.
*hiding my feelings.
*hiding my thoughts.
*hiding my secrets.
*hiding everything.
today is the day it's going to change. i'm coming out of hiding. i'm going to show my face to the world, show who i truly am. i'm going to go out there loud and proud and be there. there's not going to be anymore of the scared-of-being-judged thoughts. whatever i say and do is all for a reason, and that reason is not worth hiding. my life is going to be about me. i'm going to reflect on who i am.
be ready world;
->here i come.