life's catching up;

today was my last wednesday. this was the last plc wednesday that i'll ever have: ever again.

one year wasn't enough.
kalpurnia sue burris; i miss you. more that you know. no matter how much people said i hated you, i didn't. i still don't. i want more than anything for you to come back, for you to be welcomed. it's different without you. it's quiter, and not in the good way. when i get out of the shower, i don't have a little furry buddy there to talk to. the mornings are lonely, as are the days. your brother's voice is just too loud to handle. i miss you kittie.

so many things that i can't even to begin to explain. my heart aches.

packing: 1
bree: 0
-please stop getting the best of me stupid boxes.

finals are coming and i'm stressed. more than i can handle.

we are broken;

"are you really going to forget about everyone when you move?"
"probably."
"please don't. i don't want to lose you as a friend."
"too bad, partner."


<|3

keep me safe inside your arms like towers.

don't let me leave you.

so much pain.

i want to leave so bad.

i'm done with this place.

yet, so much agonizing pain.

what do i do?

breaking down;

i feel like i'm deleting my childhood, everything that i knew and loved.

so hard;

i know it's only something as petty as music, but when you delete 90% of your ipod playlist because it's a bad influence on you, it's hard.

i.
will.
not.
give.
up.

i am forgiven;

"i'm forgiven, and i don't have to carry the weight of who i've been, 'cause i'm forgiven."

"my mistakes are running through my mind, and i relive my days in the middle of the night, and i struggle with pain, wrestle with my pride. sometimes i feel alone, and i cry."

"when i don't fit in, and i don't feel like i belong anywhere, when i don't measure up to much in this life, oh, i'm a treasure in the arms of christ."

<3

congratulations;

you made me see that it wasn't alright.
you had proof.
you changed my mind.

short, sweet, and to the point;

the question that is killing me:

do i tell or do i keep it to myself?

when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions;

i've come to the realization that sorrows don't come little by little. when i get down, i get down, deeper than i ever imagined possible. it starts with one simple thing, and soon turns into a whirlpool of stress.

rain, rain, go away, don't come back another day.
*and please take the sorrows with you.

example: he came by a few weeks ago. he had news that "only he could tell me." he had the nerve to say that even though i said i didn't want to talk to him again, ever.

sorrow: came from the fact that he stopped by. a lot. i hate when he does that, for it causes me nothing but sorrow and pain. there we go. another fact is that news he was talking about. i know i acted like it didn't really effect me, which it didn't as much as anyone would think it would, but it still effected me. i didn't know him well, if at all. the fact that he was my flesh and blood is the part that hurt, causing mere sorrow.

what people would think was only something minuscule and minute was really a pound of bricks, landing on me, one at a time, until i could no longer take it. i broke down. things add on, slowly but surely. sorrows build up.

when they disappear, they go away for a while, until suddenly, they come back, all in battalions, ready to strike their next target:

me.

there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so;

nothing is categorized in this world. there is no good or bad. everyone has their own opinions, forms their own view of everything here. what's good to one may be awful to another.

thinking makes it so.

thinking something to be bad will make it bad, but only to you, as thinking something to be good will make it good, yet again, within you and your beliefs.

this is how people come to their own opinions, form their own conclusions on matters.

what may seem bad to you may seem good to me.
by you thinking it's bad, that's how you'll see it.
and the same for me.

the end.

the truth?;

guys, you take away all of my self-confidence. you say that you don't date anyone bigger than you, no exceptions. you don't even give a girl a chance if she's bigger. way to make her feel good.

way.
to.
go.

<|3

♥

estoy viviendo en la cima del mundo.
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je suis vivant sur le toit du monde.
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ich bin auf dem gipfel der welt leben.
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io sto vivendo in cima al mondo.
\\\\\
я живу на вершине мира.
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我生活在世界之巅。
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私は世界の上に住んでいます。
\\\\\
tá mé ag maireachtáil ar bharr an domhain.
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i am living on top of the world.
\\\\\
<3

this above all: to thine own self be true;

my head pounds, my heart aches. i feel different, dazed.

each day, i find myself asking the same question:

who are you?

it goes deeper than the surface. there's a bigger meaning behind the simple, 3 word question. who am i? what have i made of myself? what was i? who was i? have i changed? was that for the better?

although they all may seem like the same, easy-to-answer question, they're not.

to question who you are to yourself is difficult. just the thought of knowing that i could be lying to myself, making up different faces for myself, hiding behind a black veil is awful. it makes me question everything.

new goal: find myself. "to thine own self be true." if i don't lie to myself, i won't lie to others. if i lie to myself, everything will become a lie.

to be or not to be;

that is the question.

hashavaka;

jdsaikvonriawdn;

this is my mind right now. completely disheveled.
do i wish i could fix it? yes.
but this is reality.
it hurts to think. but everytime i turn around, another thought twists and turns through the pathway until it hits my sweet spot.

go away thoughts.
let me live in peace.

<|3

angst?;

i feel as if i should feel some pain behind that statement. i feel like my heart should've sunken into my chest and a burning fire should've shot through my chest.

but it didn't. and i feel awful.

untitled;

i can't help but wonder if it's written to me.
i know if sounds selfish in a way, but it runs through my head.
i seem to find the worst in it all.
i see something bad, and automatically relate it back to myself.

(i really want some spinich dip and chips right now.)

is that bad?

i don't want to lose you, ever. i'm so sick of going through people like they're last week's newspapers. that's not how i want this to be. ever.

"can you hear me? does anyone around me feel the way that i feel now?"
everything is a dark abyss. i feel so empty, alone.

*he stopped by last night. i don't want to see him. ever again. harsh? good, he deserves it.

tears stream;

i read what you wrote, and it made me cry. i'm not going to let it be like every other person. even when i'm gone.

dear anonymous;

here we go:

-i gave it my all, and yet it wasn't enough. i'm not sure what i can do anymore. i guess this is the part where i let go and know that, in the end, i tried my hardest.

-you scare me woman. end of story.

-i really dislike the feeling i get when i see you. you are one of my good friends, but i can't help but think what things would be like had i not messed up. that's all i can say.

-this one is to a large, large group of people. you all are my inspiration.

-i'm friends with you outside of band, no doubt about it. in band, i can't stand you.

-i have a very low tolerance level. you think after 5 1/2 years of knowing me, you'd know that.

-(second one for the same person) when i told you that thing, i know you wanted to laugh. i saw it in your face. i'm waiting to prove you and her wrong. wait and see.

*enough for today.

<3

where is my mr. darcy?;

ever since last summer, i fell into this deep, passionate want to find my mr. darcy. pride and prejudice was just a small part of my summer that affected me a lot. elizabeth found her one true love, her life, her everything. they weren't on the best of terms in the beginning, they were completely opposite. yet, in the end, they were made for each other. he was quiet, she wasn't. he came from a wealthy background, she didn't. he was mysterious. he was handsome. he was everything a girl wants.

there is some desire in my heart to find my mr. darcy. it's unable to be explained, yet vivid images of it flow from my mind. a scene from the movie plays over and over again in my head. it's the scene where they're in the field, towards the end of the movie. it would be the perfect moment in time. a perfect time with my mr. darcy.

and thus;

the tears flow.

as for me and jesus;

we're getting pretty tight(:
my life is changing, a lot. i've been doing things differently, putting different things first in my life.
i'm starting to like it, a lot <3

dinner for three;

dearest friends,

this past year wouldn't have been the best year i've had, had it not been for you. i started out knowing one of you and becoming best friends (we'll call you friend one), and i've almost ended this year being best friends with the other (and we'll call you friend two). i'm going to go in chronological order of the year to recap. i hope it helps.

january-february: i was completely distracted by a boy. my life was consumed by him and all that he was. it was new, refreshing. it was hard to believe that an older boy could want me and find me so magnificent. friend one was there for me then. we were so tight and so close that if you wanted one of us, you got both of us. i think this is around the time the hardships hit. he wanted me, all of me. like i just said, if you got one of us, you got the both of us. he wasn't okay with that.
*hardship one: friend vs. boyfriend.
~~winner: at first, boyfriend. in the end, friend. (i couldn't give up my friends to be with someone i barely knew myself. gave him up for everyone else.)

march-mid may: we mended what was broken. you took me back after everything that happened between me and some silly boy. and yet again, we were attached at the hip. one weekend we were at my house, the next we were at yours. my mom was your mom, and your mom was my mom. we realized that we were so alike it was creepy. every part of our childhood and teenage years were eerily alike. we shared parts of our lives that nobody else knew. it was kind of bitter sweet. no friendship i had before had ever lasted. i wanted it to so bad, you understood me like nobody else did. i didn't want it to end. we went on spring break together, and for some reason, i feel like after that is when things changed. nothing was the same. i cried a lot about it after the fact. i didn't want things to be ruined.
*hardship two: drifting.
~~solved?: kind of, not really. things didn't go back up until a little bit later. to be explained.

late may-early august: you left to go to your dad's. i know you told me in advance, but it was still shocking to me that you actually left. i felt like you left me, didn't want to be friends anymore. that's when friend two came into the picture. friend two, you felt the same way i did when friend one left. at least, that's what i've taken from it. we clicked from the get-go. we had a lot in common. we liked a lot of the same stuff, listened to the same music, and had a lot of the same views. the whole summer we became closer and closer friends. we slowly became attached at the hip, never leaving each others side.
-intermission: friend one, you said we would hang out every time you came back. that failed. when you did, you had a friend with you. i tried to see if you wanted to at least do something for an hour or so, but you said we couldn't because you had her there. it broke my heart. i felt things drift from there.
continuing. friend two, you and i went on vacation together. i saved you from the misery your mom tried to put you in. neither of us were really big beach goers, but we got through it. that experience brought us so much closer together. having band together was another thing that made it easier. all of my time became consumed in the one activity and you were the only one there. we bonded, stayed with each other all the time. friend one was still one of the number one topic of our talks. we both missed her. a lot.
-intermission: friend one, you came back.
*hardship three: friend vs. friend.
~~winner: friend two. sorry friend one, i'm not sure what happend. even to this day.

mid august-now: friend one, our friendship has deteriorated. whether it was because of the breakdown of the business or because you thought you lost me to friend two, i'm not sure. here is my reasoning behind quitting, just so there are no misconceptions: i couldn't take the stress from my ap english class and do the business. we had homework every night and i couldn't keep up. i didn't feel fast enough at making bracelets. i felt like i was a drag, slowly killing the business. band consumed all of my time and i didn't have time. people were getting mad at me because when i had time off of band, i was bracelet making. i couldn't do it any more. everything was getting to me and i broke down. maybe one of these days, we can start it back up. i just couldn't at the time. friend two, you have held me up through everything. through everything with friend one, boys, this was the time period that made the earlier stuff worth it. i don't want to lose you as a friend. ever. don't ever forget that.
*hardship four: now vs. then.
~~winner: tba.

friend one: i just want to tell you that i miss you, a lot. if we can't be friends again, can i just know what i did wrong? i hate sitting up at night not knowing. ps, i'm moving this winter. i don't want to leave not knowing.

friend two: no matter what, we'll always be friends. i know you've been scared in thinking that i'll leave, but i won't. i promise.

*the hard (probably easy) part: finding out who is who. clearing this whole situation up is my goal. i hope it helps <3

love you both always,
bree.

yes, i'm a quitter;

i feel the greater part of me wants to give up on my challenge and just write a letter a day, to no particular person. for today, i'll just write little notes to the unnamed people. ya down, brah? (:

-thanks for being there for me and helping me through all of the garbage i've shared with you. it means a lot to know i am fortunate enough to have found a friend like you. i would trade anything for my bestest friend (:
-i know sometimes you think it's funny to make me the joke of the party, and even though i know you don't mean anything by it, it still hurts. my feelings get crushed everytime you think it's 'funny' to make fun of me. i'd greatly appreciate if you could find something new to joke about, please'n'thanks.
-i said i wanted to stay friends with you, but after hearing about the stuff you're trying to spread about me, i don't know if i can. it would kill me in every way possible if it came to that, but i can't put myself in anymore crappy situations. you think i have no mind of my own, the same with my best friend, and about numerous others too. just an fyi, i do have my own mind, you're just upset that MY mind said no to you. i wanted to try things again, but honestly, i deserve so much more thanomeone who talks crap about me behind my back. that was a punch in the gut. for sure. i expected more from you.
-i finally know what you felt. i finally know what hell i put you through. i'm so so sorry. like i told you before, if i could take it back, i would. the only reason i didn't leave at first is because i actually did have feelings for you. nobody believed me, they said i was trying to fool myself. i wasn't. i mean that from te bottom of my heart. i know why you did what you did, and i feel the pain you went through. it sucks, bad. you've given me a new appreciation.

i think that's enough for now. i'm gonna write more tomorrow. <3

day four;

*your parents.

just to make a slight change, my parent. not plural. singular.
my mom is my life. she is my best friend, my back bone, my support system, etc. she has been there for me through EVERYTHING. she has dug me out of so many ruts that i couldn't have overcome by myself.

-something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.

she is my caretaker and protector to the max. my mom won't let anyone do me wrong in any way. she hasn't ever let me down, and i doubt she ever will.

i just wanna thank you, momma, for being there for me and supporting me 100%. i love you!

toodles, (:

OH NO;

MISSED A DAY. FAILED MY CHALLENGE. OHWELL, MOVING ON TO THE NEXT DAY.

day three;

*your first love.

"maybe i know somewhere, deep in my soul, that love never lasts."

for now, love isn't eternal. i'm still young and in the process of finding my true soul mate. there's no rush in the process, and to be completely honest, i'm not ready. i'm not ready to leave everything i have and to put my whole heart into love. i can hand out my "love" to many, many people and it not mean a thing. my heart aches at the thought that i can oh so carelessly hand it out and not be affected by it. my outlook on everything is that nothing is permanent and mistakes are made.
my first love was my best friend. he was there for me through every little detail of my life, thick and thin. i thought the world of him. he was my everything, and i was his. i gave him my heart and vice versa. everything was perfect. i guess all that happened was that we grew apart. i'm not really sure. all i know is that my first love was great and i wouldn't change it for the world.

toodles, (:

intermission;

intermission from my 30 days. it never hurt to write more than one time in a day, did it? (:

do i regret what i did? yes. a lot.
do i feel my end decision is for the better? yes. i feel like in the end, we need time. i feel like in the long run, a little space will help us keep our friendship. had i not made the decision i made, our friendship would've been completely lost. i feel like garbage about it, but that's that.
does my heart hurt? like you'd never know. most every piece of me is telling me that what i did was wrong and that i should just take it back. my heart, the one part of me that is telling me otherwise, is telling me that everything will be okay.

i'm not sure what to do anymore. i hurt, i'm tired, i need to sleep.
</3

day two;

*nicknames

oh goodness. nicknames are a big one. i've been called many, many things in my life, some not so good, but others amazing. first and foremost, i'd like to give credit to my best friend at the time, in 7th grade-ish, for giving me the nickname (spelling changed) that i still use today:
-BREE!
it used to be bre, thanks to the family (:, but she made it have two e's. it felt more me, more different.
one of my best friends from freshman year, sophomore year, and now this year gave me another nickname. i'm not sure how it came up, but it did:
-PUMPKIN!
on day while sitting in a car, two of my friends and i decided that we were all secretly related. it was said that we had the same mother and a daddy from south africa. we got traits from both, although none of us look alike (:
-SOUTH AFRICAN SISTA!
i'm pretty sure that's all of the. unlike some people, i stick with very few names. if anyone wants to give me more so i can add to my list, be happy to. i'm open for options (:

toodles, (:

day one;

*introduce yourself, 15 interesting facts.

hey there, i'm breana nicole burris, one-of-a-kind, 16 year old girl in the process of figuring out who i am. my life revolves arould music, 100%. my personality is hard to come by and a lot to handle. wanna know 15 TOTALLY INTERESTING facts about me? here they are: (:
1. a part of my book collection (which is over 300 now) consists of almost 40 chicken soup books.
2. i named my cat after the slave in to kill a mockingbird (calpurnia, only i spelled it kalpurnia) as a joke, but it stuck, so now my cat is a house slave. (:
3. i name everything. stuffed animals, instruments, and i even helped my sister pick out a name for my brother-in-law's radar detector.
4. i hate texting. pretty much every moment of every day, i'm seen with my phone, but i really couldn't care less about texting.
5. although it may not seem like it because i joke around all the time, a lot of little things that are meant to be taken as a joke hurt me. i try not to show it often because i don't want people to think i'm a cry baby.
6. musicals are my addiction. i'll watch any musical and fall in love with it. i think it's partially because of the fact that i'm so musically oriented and everything i do revolves around music.
7. given the chance, i wouldn't leave home for anything. if i were offered $1,000 to move out for a year, i couldn't do it.
8. i always envied people that could draw. ever since i was little, i've tried drawing, but i just never got the hang of it.
9. my hair is my art canvas. i'm willing to do pretty much anything to it, knowing that it'll grow back on day.
10. the one thing i try not to be is conceited. i cannot stand people that think super highly of themselves and i'd do anything not to be like them. having self-confidence is one thing, but being cocky is another.
11. i hate being in the silence at night. i always go to sleep with music because i'm afraid i'll hear a creak or something, and then i won't be able to sleep for the rest of the night.
12. i exaggerate about most things. i feel like if i'm telling a story and it doesn't have any spice to it, i need to make it more interesting. my way of doing that is exaggerating about things. i can't help it, it's just what i do. (:
13. the only reason i stay up late at night is because i feel like sleeping wastes away time. i want to be awake and conscious as much as i can.
14. as much as i say i'm a cat person, i don't think i'm an animal person at all. after getting a dog, i realized that i'm not fond of the. the same thing happened when i got my cat.
15. i'm embarressed to tell people my dog's name (wizzer), so i usually just tell them his middle name (dale). whenever i do tell people his real name, they think i say wizard, so i feel a bit better about it. even though he came named, i feel like people will think i named him and judge me for it.

wow, i'm surprised i cam up with 15 interesting things. (well, i think they're interesting at least).

toodles, (:

new idea?;

hey there, it's been awhile, i know. i was browsing through a friends blog, reading through her 30 day letter writing challenge thing and it made me curious. i've never stuck to anything i said i would, whether it was a diet, a reading plan, etc. i found a 30 day get-to-know-yourself challenge, so i wanted to give it a try, so here goes nothing. wish me luck (: <3

mad world;

"i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad. the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had."
my head was pounding as i slowly awoke. it had been one of those nights again. as my eyes slipped closed one last time, the images replayed. it was the same concept of the dream i kept having. she didn't want me to be in their lives and nothing would stop her from ridding me from it. it hurt. every second that the dream continued, my head throbbed harder and harder. i couldn't fathom the idea that the past thirteen years had been a joke, all leading up to this plan to get rid of me. every time my mind wanders towards it in the abyss of my dreams, i die. i kill myself in every way possible to stop from hearing her. get rid of her. those words haunt me, every second of every day, both in my dream world and in real life. she puts on such a good face. sh makes it seem like she is the perfect angel in every situation. it kills me. everything about her kills me. i'd rather be in my dream world, happy and dead.

don't go chasing waterfalls;

as i sit here and slowly wipe the dripping mascara off from under my eyes, i try to solve the mystery as to what's wrong. i can't think of a certain thing that has set me off this time. there's a multitude of things that could be the cause of the flowing tears:
-i never feel good enough. i feel like nothing i do is ever appreciated by anybody. i try my hardest, leaving nothing but a trail of dust behind me, but nobody notices. no matter what i do, i'm always second best. i'm never the first choice for anything, never have been, never will be.
-to go along with the first one, you talk to her over me. sure, we sit on the phone every night, but every time i pick it up to say something, you're in full conversation with her. it hurts. you never listen to what i have to say unless she went away to do something. my heart throbs with the pain from it. i've told you before that i get overly jealous, and you said it would all work out okay. obviously if it's still hurting me, then it's not okay.
-today didn't bother me. it didn't seem weird to me that they were in the same place at the same time. i hated that i didn't feel resentment or anything towards either of you. i hated that i couldn't feel the pain. i hated that it felt normal. i hate myself for this whole day.
-to be honest, i'm not stressing over what you think i'm stressing about. i'm stressing about you.
that's some of the things it could be, but like with every other situation, there's more. i'm done writing for the night. goodnight <3

love letter to;

i hope you know that when i say that you're good enough and that you're worth it, i mean every single ounce of it. you are my whole life, the main reason i wake up in the morning. throughout the years, you've helped me through everything. you've lifted me out of ditches that i thought were too big for me to escape. you've told me over and over again of your love for me. although it may not seem like it did anything or that i didn't care, i did. you are the reason i'm here today. you're the reason i felt worth it enough to stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.

love, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i've put you through so much stress and pain. i'm sorry i wasn't there for you at the times you needed it the most. i'm sorry i wasn't there when your heart cried out for me. i know sorry doesn't cut it, but it's all i have. i can honestly say that what i did was awful...stupid and cruel. i know. i hope you can take this apology and my love and put it towards one step forward into our lives. i'm never going to leave you, and i hope to god that you won't ever leave me. you're the light of my world. nothing is ever going to change how i feel for you. i love you, forever.

dreams are just dreams;

this picture makes me want to dream. i want to lay my haggard body down and slip into the dark abyss where no reality can seep it's way in. my dream world is that of every young child's: rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns. the alternate dream world brings me a separate train of thoughts, nothing dark or depressing. the alternate dream world takes away the pain of the day and transforms it into a beautiful enchantment, slowly sucking me in. this world leaves me breathless, in awe of all the good around. i never want to escape from the world, never want to leave the blissful spirits around. my body is craving the much needed sleep, the much needed escape from this reality. every intake of breath drains me of my energy, each time leaving merely a drop left, only enough for the next breath. now it's my time to depart, to leave this world of pity and hate, and go to my dream land, full of rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns.
<3

weheartit;

i was browsing weheartit.com and i found a few inspiring pictures (: although they're shared on the website, i found the need to share them here; enjoy <3

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old dream, new plan;

this picture inspired me; it brought back my want and need of photography.
from this day forward, i'm going to pursue in my love of pictures. i'm going to be the person walking down the street, camera in hand, ready for the perfect opportunity to make the beautiful scene a permant piece of history. i'm going to follow my dreams and improve my technique. i will be a photographer. <3

i want to make a comeback;

dreams are said to be a foresight of the future.
as i was rereading old blog posts, i came across a dream i had over a year ago. i remembered it like it was yesterday. the cold water sitting infront of me, the chills i had down my back. every word she spoke stung me with a piercing pain, exploding across my chest. "she's just making life harder for us. make her go away." the words that pushed me over the edge. they were the single most hurtful words i'd ever heard. as i was pondering my thoughts the other day, one hit me, killing me more than anything ever had before. "they split up because she didn't want me in their life. they wanted it to be just them and thier kids. they didn't want some other woman's child in their lives under their care any longer." this was all a part of their huge plan. they planned it, thinking i would be gone. he thought he could do it. he thought that if he had her and her children, the world would be fine. he didn't think that i meant that much to him. he didn't know that the little spawn of his past, childhood relationship could impact him to a point of turning back. "you don't need her. she's just like her mother. they act the same, look the same, talk the same. everything is the same. do you really want her to be back in your life?" he didn't know which way to go. he didn't know which path he wanted. one path was with the woman he had had the desire to be with for years now, and the other led him to a young girl that was in desperate need of her father. either path would lead to the dissapation of any chance with the other. he couldn't take the pain, the envy of each woman to the other, so he left, leaving no trace of himself behind. in the end, he ended up residing with her and her family, finishing their plan of living happily ever after. i was left in the cold with no father and no hope of my dreams being fufilled. because he made the choice to embrace her needs in leiu of mine, i'm now a lost child, wandering around in the dark of days, crying out of my daddy. "you don't need her." he didn't need me, and that kills me beyond life itself.

am i really?;

Every day, I hear the same thing over and over again. I know that whenever people say it, they think they're being funny, that they're joking. It's a bad thing to take everything to heart and to take everything personal, but with this case, I do.
"You're concieted. You're so vain and full of yourself."
To be honest, it hurts. I know that I don't appear to be affected by it, I try to make it all look alright, but in reality, it hurts.
Day after day, I hear it over and over again. I know that everyone is kidding in a way. I know that everyone thinks it's a big joke to say how self-centered I am. Maybe it's just something that I shouldn't worry about, but it just seems to be one of those things that really gets under my skin.
Thought complete.

snooping much?;

That wasn't my business at all to read. At. All. There was no need to go and see that. The only thing that made me do it was the dire need to know more. My mind thrives to find out more, to see what happened. I feel it's just a part of being a human. We're all curious about more than we should be, right? We all sometimes snoop too far and go out of our way to find what we thrive for, yes? There it is. Although I feel bad, I found a new appreciation for you. I found why you hurt so much around him. I found why it's hard for you to talk about what happened. I understand. I won't do that to you. Ever. <3

what i've overcome;

enough said;
jesus <3

opinions-revealed;

It's terribly difficult for me to put my thoughts into words. The thoughts flow very vividly through my head, detail upon detail oh so prominent. I wish so badly that I could have the ability to awe people with my thoughts. I feel like I'm doing nothing more than spilling out my head just for nobody to listen. It always seems to be easier to write whenever I have something to say. No creativity comes to mind whatsoever whenever I have no idea. I want to build a mind that can come up with a story, an idea, anything whenever I need it to. I suppose I'll go on with a list of things:
*You replied to my post. I'm happy. I finally got my unanswered questions answered.
*I found your profile today. I know you blocked me, but somehow it was there. I thought I would feel better, I thought I would try to fix things again, but the longer I looked at it, the longer I seemed to not really care. Sure, I wish we could be friends again, but that takes two people's efforts. If you don't want to, then we won't.
*You stopped messaging me. I hope you never say anything else. Ever.
*Each time we continue to talk, I seem to stay happy. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but however long is long enough for me.
*Despite your telling me to stop, I didn't. I can't. I see what I'm about to do in my mind, but I block it out. I see that it's wrong, but my mind can't think of it at the time. I may get better one day, but for now, I'm not. I wish you would notice.
*Your whole family has made a huge impact in my life. You guys have showed me what it's like to live, what it's like to have the best thing as the king in my life. Thank you all so much. It means a lot.
*You are the best thing that has happened to me. You've showed me what it's like to live. My very existance is all thanks to you. I have nothing else to live for.
*I didn't know you thought that lowly of me. I didn't know you would take a joke that far. I think I look and act pretty straight.
I like the feeling of this. Writing anonymously to all of the "you's" out there. I like it a lot.

never a better time to ask;

I found myself meandering through everything you've decided to share with the world. I found myself tearing up more and more with each word I read. You never cease to amaze me. Throughout the years, everytime you asked me to do anything, I never did it to my fullest. Everytime you asked me to read anything you had written, sure I did, but never all the way. I took advantage of the time I had you. I took advantage of it, and I never cherished the time. To be completely honest, I didn't know it would have to come to an end. I never fathomed the idea of you growing up and becoming someone else. I never imagined you'd find your one true love so quickly. I don't want this to look like I'm not happy or proud of you, because I completely am. I'm truly honored to have someone like you in my life to show me the way. Before writing this, I was reading your blog. I was rereading everything that I had just skimmed over in the past. With ever word I read, tears continued to form in my eyes. Why am I crying? Do you remember when I said I lost you? When I said that I felt like I got replaced? As I'm sitting here thinking about it, I never got replaced, you just grew up. That point in my life when my best friend in the world found her love killed me. I turned to you for everything. I looked up to you. We sat up all night everytime I came over and just talked. You were the only person that I spilled every single one of my secrets to. I told you everything. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to those days. I wish we could still sit on the couch and talk for hours on end. I wish you were still close enough where if I wanted to see you, I could. Your writings that I read earlier were amazing. They seemed to be full of emotion, full of passion. If you ever read this, will you tell me why you stopped? Why all of a sudden your passion changed? That's all I want to know.
<3

meaningless words;

"As she lay in her bed,
tears continuously streaming down her face,
the memories kept coming.
They haunted her,
reminded her of her past.
What happened to him?
Why did he suddenly turn?
We were best friends,
shared everything together.
Those things and more,
just would not leave.
She was different at school,
and everywhere she went.
They changed her eating habits,
sleeping pattern,
and even socialness.
People noticed,
she denied everything.
One day,
from all the stress,
she'll die.
Whether it's a suicide or a homocide,
she'll die,
never to be seen again."
-(2007)

Remember that notebook I found the other day?
I found that inside of it. It brought an odd feeling to me, reading over what i wrote that long ago. A very odd feeling indeed.

a lost thought-finally found;

as i was reading through an old notebook, i found a poem written a few years back. it was told of a sad, lonely girl who had it all. she had a wonderful life, couldn't ask for anything more. once that drastic change happened in her life, what was oh so perfect before turned out to be nothing. her dreams were crushed, ruined.

the one thing she had wanted in life was a perfect, elogant wedding. she wanted it to be huge, big dress and all. she wanted it to be like the ones she saw on television. the vision of it was clear in her head. a huge church, guests galore, brides maids, grooms men, everything. she saw her mother in the front pew, seeing her with eyes telling her how beautiful she was without even a word being spoken. the one part that was going to be taken away from her was her father walking her down the isle. her father giving her away to her awaiting groom. her father being her hero through it all.

her perfect life was rained upon when he walked out, left forever. now her biggest dream in the world is left in the dust with no possible way to be recovered, ever.

practice round-take one;

this is the one place where i can truse my thoughts not be told out to the world. this is the one place i can tell my secrets to and i don't have to worry about them being spilled everywhere. this is the one place.


dearest friend,
through the past five years, we've been on again, off again friends. at times, we fight. actually, most of the time we fight. you said that we always end up friends again afterwards. this may be true for you, but it's not the same on the other side. i'm not the type of person to forgive and forget. sometimes, yes i do forget, but what good does that do? what good does not remembering your mistakes do? every fight we've had has punched me in the face and told me to let go. it has told me that the biggest burden in my life is weighing me down. time and time again, i find myself thinking of life. this friendship has shaped me to become who i am today. though there are times when i feel i'm not exactly where i want to be, i start to think of the good things in life. i start to think of the things that don't weigh me down. i'm oh so sorry to say that you aren't in that list. it breaks me to say this to you, breaks me completely. you've spilled your heart to me so many times. you've told me secrets that you haven't told anyone else. to be completely honest, i don't know why you would turn to me. now, don't think i'm going to put all of this on my shoulders and try to put a pity party on myself, because i'm not. if that's the type of person you think i am, you know nothing about me. the day i give this letter to you is the day my life is going to change. the day i give this letter to you, a huge burden will be lifted off of my shoulders. everything happens for a reason. every single person is placed in our lives to play a role. they are there to play a part. when it is time for them to go off stage, time their role in the play is over, they are done. that makes sense, yes? i feel your role in my life has come to an end. you've played your part, and it is time to descend off of my stage, my life. our friendship has been one of the highlights of my life. it always will be. i'm sure by now you're thinking that it's a big mistake what i'm doing and that i should just forgive you. i should drop my point and continue on with life. do you remember when i let my father go? do you remember when i told him enough was enough, that i was strong enough to go on without him? that was his sign that his turn on the stage was over. this is the same scenario with you. we will both go on with our lives. we will both have friends, family, boys, everything come and go. we both came to eachother and now we go. it's all apart of the circle of life. i will never forget all of the times we've shared together. i will never forget anything. you hold a place in my heart and always will, but i'm afraid it's time to let go. it's time to cut the cord holding us together. a clean cut is a lot less painful than one shredded over time. good luck with life friend. good luck.
sinceraly,
a friend.

coming out of hiding;

my whole life has been about hiding.
*hiding my feelings.
*hiding my thoughts.
*hiding my secrets.
*hiding everything.
today is the day it's going to change. i'm coming out of hiding. i'm going to show my face to the world, show who i truly am. i'm going to go out there loud and proud and be there. there's not going to be anymore of the scared-of-being-judged thoughts. whatever i say and do is all for a reason, and that reason is not worth hiding. my life is going to be about me. i'm going to reflect on who i am.
be ready world;
->here i come.